Heyyy

I miss Texas, but hell, there's nothing like home sweet home :) .....

Byyeeee!! (For now)

Tomorrow morning we're leaving for Texas. I'll be home on Thursday night. If I don't update, everyone have a wonderful New Year and behave yourselves!! jk

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy holiday's everyone. :) I got everything I could ever want and more.

It was nice but as always there was the holiday depression. It hit me as my family sat down to open the presents around our tree. Its hard looking around the living room at the family, seeing all the paper thrown everywhere, seeing 3 other people next to you when there should be 4. Its hard to know there won't be those extra presents under that tree for her and the goofyness she brought as we opened presents; the tears in her eyes when she opened that special present...

The entire family isn't as close as it was either. The "adults" sit in the dining room to eat while the "children" sit in the family room watching TV and eating. We used to always eat together. Maybe its better this way- there would still be that seat that needs to be filled. My grandparents don't have that spark in their eyes when giving out our presents. There's that empty seat next to my father on the couch they always sat at.

It was fun going shopping for the presents when we got the money from my grandparents and my father, but it was no fun opening the presents and knowing/expecting almost everything we got. Its no fun to get older.

Every Christmas Eve we drive around and look at lights on houses then come home and read the Polar Express and The Night Before Christmas. Last night instead, we saw Polar Express (very, very cute) and went to a house in Dover where the lights are absolutely spectacular. There is also a spot where you can write a letter to Santa and put it on this pulley that goes up to this bag on the roof. This was the first year i wrote a letter. I won't say what i asked for, but i will say it was no object.

I hope it wasn't too hard for those other families who have dealt with loses. In the end, you know that they are always with you there in spirit....

Good night all.

My day...DEAL WITH IT

I'm still intimidated. I actually have so much i want to say, but i still have this fear. I can't. I can't hurt certain people. I can't say what i'm feeling cuz i will be bitching.

Everyone needs to bitch. Its a rule. You keep it inside all day, possibly longer, and it needs to come out somehow....

I started working in a new place for my community service. I was working at the municipal building down the road, but i didn't like the people i was working with, so i switched. Now i'm working in a church. Yes, a church. The people there are soo sweet (except this one woman who likes to give me dirty looks). Its called Grace- the Church on the Mount. BUT WHY??? Why not Grace Church on the Mount or just Grace Church or maybe Mount Grace Church? lol. I don't know, i just thought it was silly. Its nice working close to God. ;-) Maybe we can sort out some of our numerous issues? I only have 9.5 hours to go which is awesome.

Mike finally got his cell phone today. I think we were both equally excited to see it. Its really cool. My service on my phone however is shut down because of lack of payments. I wish i had money :( Maybe if i had that $600 someone owes me..... hmmm off topic.

Mike also got me a present today and its a gorgeous bracelet. I love bracelets. He took me out to dinner tonight. I had gone to the bathroom actually and I come back and open the napkin to put on my lap and there was this container thing in there. I looked at it, and folded the napkin up again and looked at mike. He said, open it! I did and there was the bracelet. It was funny. And cute.

Speaking of cute

theres a new boy working at Marshalls. 'nuf said.

Well...

Yeah. Whoever left those nice comments to me...thanks I really appreciate. I talk about Mark because its my way of getting over him. Everyone has their ways of dealing with shit, and I dealt with mine in my own way. As for doing coke, well i'm sorry, i've never touched it in my life so please, next time you make accusations, make sure they are accurate.

And Anonymous, if your so sick of my shit, why are you reading my blog? Seriously. Was it you who called me on my cell phone today from a restricted number too? Do you have any balls?

Oh yes, and i'm huge. Your right Anonymous, I should just go kill myself. Who would notice anyway, I'm just a "depressed bitch".

Too bad right now i've never been happier.

Massages are over rated anyway

My back hurts all the time. I didn't realize how bad it actually is until I sat down in one of those massaging chairs and instead of feeling better, I felt a hundred times worse.

In other news, my sister stayed home from school today so we decided to go to the mall. My father gave us each $150 (yes again) and we went shopping. It was fun. I called out of work cause i felt like it. And my silly boyfriend hasn't called me all day because he's been sleeping- sense 10:30 am. So I'm in a bit of a grumpy mood. Plus i have not had a cigarette at all today. Add to that mood.

I have my math final tomorrow....should be grreat. After tomorrow, I'll only have Spanish. Then I won't have to worry about classes until January 18th! Yay.

I can't wait for New Years. I'm so excited :-D

Out of sight, out of mind

Random thoughts running through my mind because i have nothing better to say/do....

1. For some reason, it totally doesn't feel like December or like Christmas is coming.
2. The lights on my tree are pretty
3. I'm talking to koogie online right now.
4. Dun dun dun, I heard mark's in town. I also heard he went to Old Navy looking for his job back and they laughed in his face. He was supposedly with his new gf too and she's said to be huge!
5. I don't want to see him or be anywhere near him
6. I want to see him so i can punch in his fucking face
7. I don't care if 5 and 6 contradicts
8. Encore/Numb by Jay Z and LP is running through my head.
9. I hate how only certain parts of songs run through your head
10. And when you try to think of another song to replace it, that one song somehow starts going through your mind again half way through the new song! Gah!
11. I feel bad that mike has to work at 3 am. I'd kill myself.
12. Speaking of which, Mike and I were talking about God and how I feel He has His back turned to me, but then i realized, He has spared me 3 times. Either that, or there's someone else helping me out...
13. My cat is howling like a crazy mother fucker. He's lonely and wants some loving.
14. I have to see my po officer tomorrow at 10 :( i dun wannnnaaaa!!!!
15. Finals are all this week. That sucks too.
16. We had 20% off for associates this morning. I had to get up maddd early but i got some nice clothes :).....for xmas tho
17. koogiemonster33 (10:37:06 PM): one day ;-)
    serraangel 3 5 4 (10:37:22 PM): hehehe i have to agree with you on that
18. It pisses me off when people ignore me, online too.
19. Chocolate milk and hot chocolate are yuuuuuummmmy!
20. So are tuna fish sandwiches and grilled cheese sandwiches
21. I LOVE massages. esp the ones foog gave me.....but mike's gettin the hang of it! lol
22. I hate my back....it hurts all the fucking time.
23. I think i'm in love with the Grand Am
24. Kids are dumb sometimes. Hint- Never, EVER touch whatever car i happen to be driving unless i give you permission or you are someone i know and trust. If you stand behind my car while I'm in a drive through, yes STAND, and touch my car and make sexual comments about me, I WILL call the cops on your ass and those 5 cops that were looking for your stupid asses WILL finally catch you thanks to me.

And thats it...I think. Good night.

Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time

what a mess

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home
Its where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
-Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne

I'm getting nowhere

Its funny, everyday I end up looking at the same pictures. I have pictures of us from Snowland on my bookcase, one on my bedside table, and a picture from junior prom on my dresser. I know if I looked harder, there would be a million more....all pictures that i have looked at and looked at again so many times....yet when I see different pictures, its so much harder than I thought. I thought I was doing well, I thought I would have been able to handle the pictures, but I couldn't. I've handled all the other good memories, and so far most of the bad ones, but when I looked at these new pictures, I broke down. Memories and little things I had forgotten came pouring back into my broken heart. The pictures reminded me what had gone on at that certain moment, reminded me exactly what I was thinking around him and why and then I remembered all the little things like I had just wanted one picture of us, in that spot just because I knew it would be a day I would never forget, I just never realized how true it would be. I just wanted to remember his smiling face when I was away from him to help me smile. Instead, he ended up taking more pictures of me then i did of him.

However, these pictures of me, I noticed some things no one else may. For instince, in a picture, I'm lying on his bed, cuddled up, holding a pillow, just looking at the camera. Not smiling, just staring. In my eyes you can see complete lonliness- even though he was right there with me. Thats how I felt all the time with him. How could he have ever missed that? Whenever I looked into his eyes, they weren't full of me. He always seemed to be preoccupied. Even when we were alone. I never had all of him.

No matter how much it hurts to look at these pictures, its almost like an addiction- I HAVE to look. They are fairly new pictures, and i haven't seen him in so long. Its like seeing again for the first time in 2 months. Ugh. I won't cry. Why me?

Has anyone ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I wish I could erase him. Everything could be so much easier that way.

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around it
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

I love the way you laugh

I have a wonderful boyfriend. Right now in my life, I have never been happier or more complete.

Its just this depression- it keeps me down. I want to be up but it holds me back. Its frustrating.

I'm in love.

And I can't wait for New Years :)

Broken Inside

The people at my work are almost like a second family to me because I see the all the time. The older women who work with me almost at like the mother figures in my life. But then there is that fine life between work and personal life/self that some people don't seem to realize is there.

What really got me kind of annoyed today was that when I was walking into work this afternoon, two of my managers where outside having a cigarrette. One of them, Ms. Ury said, "Sarah, you've lost too much weight."
I said, "What?"
"You've lost too much weight, you're too skinny."
"I actually haven't been loosing weight, if anything, I'm gaining weight right now."
*She gave me "the look"*
Ms. Groen said, "Doesn't she sound like your mother?"
"Yeah, actually I was just about to say, yes mother."
Ms. Ury, "Well, don't say I don't care."
I gave her a hug and said, "Thank for the concern, but I'm fine, really." And started walking inside. As I walked away she said, "You have no ass either."

Here we go....I'm about 5'7" and last time i checked (at thanksgiving) I weighted 120.5. I'm a size 5 in juniors and about a size 2 in misses. I eat all the time, and yes, sometimes i don't eat enough, mostly because there is not a lot of time. But I usually end up making up for it later. Yes, I am insecure about my weight and my figure however, I am NOT anorexic or bulemic (if i didn't spell them right, I'm sorry). But I DO looove my ass and the fact that she said i have no ass kinda got me upset so i guess i need to work on that....

You set my soul at ease. Chased darkness out of view. Left your desperate spell on me. Say you feel it too I know you do. I've got so much more to give. This can't die, I yearn to live.

I want more

You can dress me up diamonds
You can dress me up in dirt
You can throw me like a line-man
I like it better when it hurts
Oh, I have waited here for you
I have waited
You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream
You can meet me on an aero-plane
Or in the back of the bus
You can throw me like a boomerang
I'll come back and beat you up
Oh, I have waited here for you
Dont, keep me waiting
*chorus*
I feel safe with you
I can be myself tonight
It's alright, with you
Cuz you hold, my secrets tight
You do, You do
-Ashlee Simpson, La La
------------------------------------------------------
"I think you just bang up your car so you can try out other ones." -Mike's daddy
------------------------------------------------------
i need the moon and the stars to be out
I need to make a wish.
The wish i always used to make
But i know now
that this wish will never come true.
I miss you.

The Car

A 2004 Pontiac Grand Am. Exact color. V6 engine. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Be jealous.

On another note, the decision has been made concerning going to Texas over New Years. I'm going to leave with the family on the 27th and stay until the 30th. Then on New Years, me and Meat are getting a hotel room and chillen. I'm excited. I get a little bit of both which is awesome. I'm just kinda nervous about the plane ride home alone...

Ugh my body hurts. I need a nice full body massage. Mmmm....

night.

Well, its official- I suck at life.....well, at least driving. I'm never going to drive again (at least until i get the rental ;-) ). Me and some guy named Larry hit by Wachovia in Ledgewood. AND NOW I GET TO SIT AT HOME WITH NO CAR UNTIL MY FATHER GETS HERE. Wonderful. I had wanted to meet Mike for lunch. Not happening.
I wanted to finish xmas shopping. Might happen, depends when i get the rental car.
I wanted to drop pictures off at Wal Mart. Eh

And to think, I got hit the SAME exact place I hit the deer. (except a lot less damage) Annnndddd the guy's car only had a cut in his bumper. Yeah, I even had to get a tow truck for my car because if i made a turn, the bumper would rub against the wheel. GREAT.

I HATE PEOPLE, CARS, AND COPS. This sucks. :(

But baby...

I could spent the rest of my life with you
just here
like this.
With your bare body lying
close to mine
as i outline your face.
I touch the lips i have so many times kissed
The ears i can fill my secrets
the eyes i can see myself in
and i hope you see yourself in mine.
I love you
today, tomorrow and the rest of my life
i will be here
right by your side.
I've made my mistakes in the past
and now together
we focus on the future.
He's all i ever wanted
and i never knew i could need someone so much.
Your my drug
I'm addicted to you and it feels so good
but I will never stop consuming you.
I promise you baby
it will be forever.

Do you trust me?

"I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you." -John Smith, Pocahontas

"No matter what happens, I'll be with you forever." -Pocahontas


Tonight I made $60 from babysitting. For the first hour and a half, there were 5 children i had to watch. After that was the original 3 i was supposed to sit for. 3.5 hours and i got 60 bucks. :) Damn I love babysitting....especially in my development. Gotta love rich people ;-)

Oh and you gotta love Stouffers Mac and Cheese :-D

By the way...Betsy, if you read this, I love you and you looked absolutely beautiful tonight. I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy I got the chance to see you tonight. I hate to say this, but I had to do everything in my power to keep from crying when I saw you because it hit me tonight how fast you are growing up and I can't believe how great of a job you are doing. Your so strong in so many ways. Never forget I will always be here for you and no matter what, I will always, always love you.

Can I get an encore?

i'm an honest drunk. i say a lot of things that i've always hwanted tos ay but then the next day i tend not t o remember everything i said. alot of the things i say are usually good but sometimes i can be too honest and say things i didn' t want to. Tonight was ok though...i think. i hthink i said everything i 've always wanteed to sayy and i don't think anything was taken teh wrong way. If it was, then i reeel tlike shit. I mean feel. Or would feel.

I have to re-write a spanish paper tonight and do a take home test. The rest of this night is gonna suck. Ihope i'll get some sleep at least. :( i'm sooo tired. but thank goodness i don't have work tomorow.

its soooo cold out side! God, I HATE winter. And i hate stupid drivers. I don't know where that came from but i do.

I love Mike. A lot. Hels too good for me. Why'd he choose me? Actually i do know. He said the first time he ever saw me he wthought i was really hot. Then he got to know me as a friend and ended up falling in love with me. Love at first sight. :) Went both ways.

Ugh...all i want to do is pass out..........i'm exhausted lol. ta ta

Keep your eyes on the prize...

One thats always thinkin of new shit. Any place any time she wanna do it. Keep her pumpin that "get krunk fluid". Never hesitate shorty get right to it. I know that its her when my phone go ring in three in the morning its time to cut! Sometimes she like it soft but not as much as she like it when a nigga straight beat it up. She dont care where i put it at as long as i put it back deep down deep down in that putty cat. If you aint never had a freek a leek in yo life i suggest you get you get one cuz aint nothin like a freek a leek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note....new news today....
DentedZ24 (1:10:34 AM): hey sarah did u hear
serraangel 3 5 4 (1:10:43 AM): hear what?
DentedZ24 (1:10:50 AM): they fired marc :-(

What is store #466 going to do without the wonderful Marc Gable? This is where all hell will break loose.....

Read this

Read this

Soiled Hands

Ah, ok. My entries were all messed up last night, now they are all good, except i lost the one i wrote last night. I don't even remember what I wrote which sucks but oh well. I do remember i had a song in it, but i won't put it in again. And i do remember i talked about going to the mall yesterday! OMG it was fun :). I went with my sister and Mike to the Paramus Park mall and me and betsy were going to use the money we got from our grandparents. The main reason why we wanted to go there was because of Hollister. Its like Abercrombie and Fitch, except cheaper (in case you didn't know). The funny part of the hole thing was that my sister forgot her money at home. I felt so bad when she walked up to me with a huge pile of clothes, ready to pay and she asked me to hold her clothes so she could get her money, and the look on her face made ME want to cry for her when she couldn't find her money. lol. Oh well, another reason to go back to the mall.

I also remember I said that Danny quit on Saturday (or was it friday?) night. He wanted to work the service desk and was told he could be trained but then my manager changed her mind. haha so he walked out. Me and him were good friends for a while but his girlfriend messed up my car so we stopped talking. Messing up meaning crazy glueing feathers to the trunk, sticking a huge wad of gum on the door handle and spilling coffee all over the car. Yeahh i was pissed. So was my father. Its his car. So now I feel a lot better that he's not there cuz that means she won't be there. Hopefully.

Today sucked. I worked ALL day. 11-10:30. I was a nice girl and stayed later for them. We have a biiig visit tomorrow. Yay.

Nothings really new. One of my managers told me that she talked to the manager about getting me a raise sense i do everything but only get paid 6.75 when people who are doing nothing are getting paid a lot more. I asked her what she said and she said we'll see. Which i think means its not happening. :( Maybe if I push........

Also i'm waiting for Mike's present to come in the mail. Hopefully this week. He figured out what it was. I don't think and gave away too many hints lol. Oh well, he's really excited.

Anyways, thats it. Night.

You took your coat off
You stood in the rain
Your always crazy like that