in this moment i am happy

its amazing how quickly some memories can come back to you at some of the most unexpected moments...

my manager let me sneak out for a much needed cigarette and break. when i sat outside, it was unusually quiet, humid, but there was a little breeze. the air smelled fresh and perfect. i thought to myself that tonight would be a perfect night to walk on a boardwalk along the beach.

...which lead me to thinking...

every year my family and myself go down to Cape May for a week. We've been doing it ever since i was born. My parents were going even before i was born. i thought, i love f so much, i want to show him all of this beauty here that i experience. so for 3 days we took a mini vacation to Cape May. i showed him the house we stay in, the beach we always go to, and the arcade we always love to play in. one of the nights we went to the boardwalk, played in the arcade and took a walk. it was an absolute gorgeous night. he took me to the beach, brought out a blanket and we sat, listening to the waves, cuddling close because the sea breeze made me cold. he brought a dessert i had taken home from when we had went out to dinner earlier. it was perfect. everything about that time and moment was amazing....being next to the ocean...next to the person i had loved the most...being in Cape May...and a delicious dessert ;-)

dangerously in love

why are you sitting there with those blank eyes? do something. anything. hug me, squeeze me, kiss me, touch me, say i love you...just don't look at me like that. those eyes aren't good. they have a hidden meaning i hate. i know its there so don't lie to me. your hug feels lifeless...your i love you's don't show much love.

i can feel your heavy heart. i know a lot is going on but why do we have to feel it? can't i sit here with you next to me, holding my hand...at least acknowledging my existence? i love you with everything i am. show me that your here for it all. dont back away, don't stray.....please just don't hurt me. love me as much as you can. i can't help my selfishness...i need you by my side. at this time i need your support and i'm sure you understand why.

i fell in love with a man full of smiles, love, compassion, and eyes full of excitment.
but as i look at you....and the pictures i have of you...your not smiling in one.

::i only think of you and its breaking my heart::

::i'm trying to keep it together::

::but i'm falling apart::

as honest (or fucked up) as they come

gahdd...what is with me....

i don't understand what is going on...i don't understand why he's doing this...i don't understand why she is....

i feel like a fucking stalker sometimes when it comes to him. i don't understand myself.

gawd...this is as honest as it comes...

i just want to talk

why is he doing this? i wish i knew his motive. and i don't understand why not me? like...why aren't i that sexy one for him...why isn't he talking to me again. i don't understand what the fuck i did soo horrible. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING TALK

i'm drunk right now...is that any logical reason for me to say all of this?

i'm so sick of this shit. i'm sick of knowing that i was never good enough for someone. that everything he said to me was flat out lies. why did he stick around so fucking long? why did he feed me those lies for so long? why did he tell me i was sexy and beautiful when he thought a thousand girls were so much better than me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

why am i thinking about this now? i saw a comment i didn't want to somewhere. i read his words, already knowing he was talking to her...but i didn't know how far it was going.

i just want to curse my fucking brains out. FUCK FUCK FUCK YIOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHOOSE ME OUT OF ALL THE FUCKING GIRLS IN THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNT.

shit why doesn't that feel better? maybe i need to sleep.

...or i'll just drink drunk to pick up my sister.....

night...

sand storm

i guess what it was was that i needed some time off. i needed to relax some, chill, and just read and take everyone and everything in. i loved being a little spy and just reading, watching everyone's lives go by. but something in me tonight felt the need to write.

what?
i don't know
i don't care

i just want to write.

when i get time, i want to change my template. i don't like the green anymore.

these past couple weeks (or more) have been stressfull. school let out and i opened my availability. which means i now have little to no time for myself or anyone else. my family pretty much acts like i'm not even in the family anymore. they go on little trips together they do their shit.

while i have to work.

i live paycheck to paycheck with some help of my father with food and what not. but otherwise i'm not only supporting myself, but m too. his entire paycheck always goes to rent because his roommate is a scum bag.

m is feeling so much stress because of that and other little things i tend to bring up at the wrong moments. his eyes don't have their spark in it, there are circles under his eyes and his walk is different. he doesn't smile as much either. i'm so worried.

but we have little things we wanted to do for the summer. we have accomplished 2 already: going to six flags and going fishin on his dad's boat. i have to say, i've never had so much fun. we're planning on going to the shore on saturday (if everything goes ok-if not another time) and we're going to a 4th of july party :) there are going to be tattoo artists there so i'm considering getting one! :)

ya'll have to remember that even without me posting, i'm still stalking, i'm still online, and i still have a cell phone ;-)

P.S. thanks for the comment rick! ;-)

finally, this is me. i know i haven't been around, but i do want to say, i have been checking all of the people i normally do...cause i love you! :)