drinking is bad for you

angry eyes
mean hands
cold body

i love him
and he despises me

i deserve it
i'm not good enough
i never think
i act
and my actions hurt both physically and emotionally
to both him and me

but somehow i just cant let go of us right now
i can't give him all the space he needs
cuz i need him
because i love him

but if i loved him as much as i say
i wouldn't have done what i did...even after he told me not to!

i can't think right now
all thats going through my mind is
how much i love him
how much my life sucks without him
how pathetic i am
how pathetic my life is
without him

the only thing that gives me some hope right now
is that look he had in his eyes when i talked to him today
the way he told me he still loves me
and that he said
we've come too far in our relationship for there to be any last chances

but right now all i want to do
is hear his voice
say good night to him
and tell him i love him
one more time

i'll be your sunshine

walking out of the bathroom, i heard music.

unusually loud...my other sister wasn't home...she was usually the one who played it that loud...

but then i heard her voice...singing with the sweet notes

crying

hearing a 10 year old sing with Kelly Clarkson...made me want to laugh...but cry for the fact that she was crying so hard while singing with her.

i will never tell her what i heard...i could never do that to her...it just makes me wonder what could have hurt her poor heart so much to make her do that? i've never seen/heard her do anything like this.

in these moments i wish i was more than just her older sister...i wish i could make the hurt go away and not hear those depressing songs on the computer...and hear her giggle along with the silly game she always plays...