update

one thing about me that i hate is that i live in the past. i focus too much about what has happened and what i could of done, should of done, to change it, to have made it better or different. i'm not who i was anymore. i've changed. i made my first step the other day. i could have gone back to m. i had the chance. but that would have required breaking it off with my new beau. i could never hurt him like that. he's everything i man could ever be to a woman. i am blessed to have found him. and i wasn't ready to let that go. i could have gone back to the simplicity, knowing m for so long, our past, knowing what our future would be. but i chose not to. because i know the both of us would expect what we had before. but that would never have happened mostly because of what i did to mess things up. and i changed in those couple months. so did he. it would have never worked out because the both of us would have been expecting so much from the other. i wouldn't be able to give him everything he wanted.
right now i have never been so sure of anything.
and i'm damned happy about it :)

not yet

your kiss is so different, he said. yet so familiar.

he layed there next to her. his shirt was off and shouldn't help but touch him. he puts his leg around hers and grinded himself on her leg. he kissed her more deeply and loving than he ever had before. he needed her. she needed him. they explored each other, remembering the way each other tasted, remembering everything they have done in this bed, in this room. he teased her and finally said, take your clothes off.
she stood up and began undressing. she watched him light up at the sight of her body. he touched her everywhere, knowing every inch of her. every like, every dislike.
i love your boobs, he almost moaned.

and when it finally happened, they looked into each others eyes, seeing everything they ever were. the i love you's were shared, undeniable by the look in their eyes.

i want you back, he whispered.

where ever you are and wherever you may be, i will love you for all eternity.

everything that i am is you.

and without you i am nothing.

you are my destiny

and forever my sunshine

remember when?

remember when i'd look into your eyes and see only me. just the two of us, for as long as we could possibly go on. to the moon and back we'd always say and i believed it all. i still believe that we still have it.
remember when we kissed it felt like there was no one around except us. we needed each other, we needed those kisses, teasing, touching. it felt so good, so right. i still believe that we will wake up next to each other with stinky breath and be afraid to kiss the other person.
remember when we'd write notes to each other during school. its not like we didn't see each other a lot. we were too afraid to talk face to face like adults. we were young and in love, we didn't know any better.
remember when we'd hang out in the basement after practice, leaving your mom sitting, waiting for us. and the embaressment we felt when S called us over the loudspeaker. remember how it felt. hot. heavy. you. me.
remember the time i finally said yes. you took me away, filled me up, held me close, and promised to love me forever this time.

remember i told you i want you back? remember i asked you to call me? remember you promised not to lie anymore? remember you said you loved me?

peace

i give you my heart

funny how i thought things had changed (last post) but in the end, it didn't. and thats quite sad

but this guy i'm posting about now i have before (recently) and i have to write again about him

cuz it sucks when you break up with someone and feel like there will never be someone like them. that there is no one who would be understanding of you or anything like they were.

and the greatest feeling in the world is finding someone who's even better than the last. i know that might sound mean but its the way i'm feeling right now. getting to know someone new is so exciting. testing the other person trying to figure out exactly what they like. during this process you learn so much about yourself. like, my eyes tell my entire life story and he's reading it like there's no tomorrow.

but he's such an amazing person. he treasures his girls, makes them number one. loves them as much as he can give and doesn't expect anything back. he does everything just for a smile. the way he touches me is unbelieveable. undescrible. he touches like every inch of my skin is sacred and beautiful. and that feeling is absolutely the best. he holds me close to him as if to never let me go, to make sure i don't leave.

i would have never met him if i hadn't stopped being so unsociable to my co workers. i would have never met him if i hadn't changed jobs. i would have never met him if M hadn't broken up with me. more and more now i'm realizing that everything is happening for a reason. my life is planned out and the only reason i go through the heartache is because i hadn't found that right person yet...and it was time for me to continue on for that search. i do believe the stories of how we were put on this earth to find our soulmates.

...and all of this has happened because of a double take...

some things never change

i don't know if you'll read this
i know there is a slim chance your mother might
but i'm just letting you know now, that this hun, is for you.

everyday i dreamed about the time it would happen...when i would pick up the phone and finally hear your voice. i always wondered how i would talk to you. i don't hate you anymore, and i don't think i love you, but i know that there would be something there...that "thing" we had. i wondered what i'd say to you. i wondered what you'd say to me. i wondered if we'd fight or just talk like old times. i wondered if i'd start crying and beg for you to come back.

but now, after almost a year, it happened. i picked up the phone and heard your voice. YOU. what you said to me, how you sounded, the way you cried, made my heart reach out to you in a way it never has before. i always knew deep down that i'd love you forever, but i never realized how deep my desire actually was.

and hearing you made me want to trust you so much. i wanted to believe every word that came out of your mouth, cause it sounded so right, but unlike you. part of me believed it all, part of me wants to turn my back on you the way you did to me.

but then i hung out with you and it changed my thinking. the way we were, everything seemed so right, so natural. there were no uncomfortable silences, no awkwardness, just the 2 of us. it seemed like no time had gone by at all and we just kinda went from where we left off.

and now i kinda don't know what to think. i love you. but i'm still upset with you.

*gulp* help.

have you ever

have you ever met someone that made you do a double take
they look so familiar but you know you've never met
they way they act seems so similiar
they way they smile...

have you ever met someone that just took your breath away
and you find yourself wondering if you will ever see this person again
if you'll be able to learn as much as you want about this person

have you ever seen someone and just wanted to hug them
just so you can find out how their body feels
or have you ever just wanted to kiss a random stranger
to see if their kiss is the "one" you've been dreaming of your whole life

have you ever just wanted to flirt with a person
but don't because you're afraid of how they will respond to it
or how anyone else with you will react

and have you ever seen a person for the first time and have a thousand thoughts run through your mind about them.
wondering, admiring, wanting

he's right there, but so far out of reach

breathe

what do you do when nothing seems right anymore. when all the words that you're typing seem wrong and mis spelled.
what do you do when you're heart is broken in two (million pieces)
and you feel so alone and worthless
what do you do when it comes down to that time when you have to pack up all the memories (good or bad) even when you don't want to
what do you do when you're crying and the only person who can help you stop is the person who orginally made you cry.

what am i supposed to think now that you're with her
am i supposed to know that you still love me
am i supposed to know you still want me
am i supposed to know you would still love to marry me
was i supposed to know you'd fuck her

how am i supposed to react to you telling me you want me to fuck another guy
how am i supposed to feel when i finally kiss someone besides you
how am i supposed to feel now that i'm single and i finally see that guy i've been dying to be with for 3 years (has it been that long)
i want him, i'll put up with you, i want to kiss you, i want to feel you

what are you supposed to do to fill the void
when at the same time i don't want it to be replaced yet

what are you supposed to do to fill the time when you wait for a phone call he promised he'd make

the loneliness overcomes me, engulfs me, surrounds me, takes over every inch of my heart filling up the holes he caused. the loneliness takes control of my brain twisting me, turning me, burning my soul. i feel like i'm collapsing into a never ending hole of hurt. and i'm alone, screaming to be heard but there's no one for miles.
i think he forgot his promise

why of all people am i thinking of Him now. he's so....so....not available but is. he has His girls (who he doesn't really want) but he still has that same girl from 5 years ago. and now. she wants. to have him.
i can't forget that smile he gave me as he saw me standing there against the wall waiting, waiting for him.

sadly, who ever i will be with, will probably be compared to everything of him.

doesn't it just fucking suck when you have thousands of thoughts going through your head at one time and you attempt to write it down and it comes out in a jambled mess.
and don't you wonder sometimes what the people think as they read.
will they understand at all?

right here waiting

sometimes you need that thing
that one thing
to help you in some way. it soothes you, talks to you, and hugs your soul.

i go to music a lot to calm me. but somehow during this time in my life, it makes things worse.
every song thats played on the radio i can somehow relate to myself and my feelings or how they were.

but then you find that perfect song that just describes everything. it makes you want to cry and laugh that this artist knew exactly the right words, the exact emotions, and to make it even better, the perfect tone.

in a way, it makes you feel like your not so alone, that you're not the only one who has felt this way. it makes you feel good...but only for a second...because you remember the lyrics, you remember why you are upset or angry...you remember, but this time, you let the music take control of these feelings. they sweep through you, touching your heart, whispering all the words you need to hear. it builds you up, rises your heart...

but then the song is over, and you fall back to your feet...back to the earth where the pain is real and hurt is inevitable.

yet, you still remember that song and it gives you a little hope that eventually somethings can be as they were.