Entranced

...its what i feel everytime i look into his eyes. i could go on forever about his eyes. its something about the love, passion, and devotion he feeds to me. or maybe the way he just constantly looks at me that makes me need to look every single time.

when i first met him, he would just look at me for the longest time. every time i'd ask him what? why are you looking at me? he told me that he just wanted to look... at first i found this kind of weird....his stares where intense...made me feel a little uncomfortable and i felt like there was something behind them...something i didn't know. now...i crave for those stares. i love those looks. i know he's looking at me...i'm in his eyes...the only one in his eyes.

he looks in my eyes and searches for my love, my devotion....and i hope when he looks...he sees every thing he's looking for. i hope i answer his questions with a slight twinkle or a flash of love shooting through them. i hope my eyes give him what he needs without me ever having to say a word. because i know his do that for me.

Mostly for amusement purposes...

In the hallway i heard him call, sarah, your phone's makin noises!
I ran to the phone and heard it beeping. it was the beep that told me an anynomous person was calling me. the calls i dreaded.
I picked up the phone and said hello.

Sarah?

He didn't need to say anymore. he didn't need to say his name. i knew the voice...i've heard it a thousand times over the past 3 years...even after the time separating us...i still knew it.

f called friday night. he thought he saw mike down where he lived. but he didn't cause mike was by my side all night, all day.

i'd like to say i missed him. i'd like to say i wish i had said more or asked him to talk to me longer. i but i didn't. i didn't want to. i got off as quickly as i could....said only the necessary words. the only thing i wish i had said would have been, can i have my clothes back...please!!
i'd also like to say that my feelings came rushing back and i felt the need for him....but i didn't. I DIDN'T.

I will admit...as soon as i said good bye...i put the phone on the table....looked up into mike's eyes...told him who called, what happened....and sat in the middle of the kitchen, with my head in my hands. Mike started talking on the phone...which made me go to mine and text someone who i knew could support me... but as soon as he got off, he did everything to get me up. He didn't understand why i reacted like that.

Honest to God, I don't know why either.

I just sat there....my mind blank...my heart empty. I guess it was weird to feel nothing for someone i felt so much for. I guess i wanted to hate him....but in an odd way...i didn't. he voice scared me. i didn't want him coming to my home and seeing me and making me loose it even more. but the call happened, ended, and that was it.

he held me...not understanding...but kept holding me, kissing me....looking deep into my empty eyes....holding me....his arms telling me thats HE is the one who is here holding me, loving me, caring for me....the one who will never do what was done to me again.

And you know what? I thank F for that call. You reassured me that I am, in fact, over you. And that feeling is hella good :-D

And by the way, Happy Valentines Day...especially to D

His lost words

*Written last night at 2 am*.....

i'm writing you something, with a new pen, old thoughts, and a tired mind. you'll hate what i write but my pen is just starting...

I wish you were here. your body next to mine in hopes it'll warm my cold soul. in hopes your love will surround me, enrapture me, grab me by the throat and surprise me. i want you to look in my eyes, feel the heat of desire, my anger, pain. your eyes are sad, lustful, full of anger. always this anger i cause but never does it fade. i changed your life...how you think, feel, act. you hate and love it, but at this moment you want to kill it, stick a knife through it...watch it wither and fall to your feet. it fills the ground. instead of getting rid of it, it consumes you.

Tears flow freely but you don't understand. you need me but push me away as i move closer. bruises on my body move to my heart. i fall with your tears down your cheek, resting on your jaw...then the suicidal drop....

While your hands are filled with my bleeding heart, mine feel empty and lifeless. my pain oozes from my ears...all over. its noticed...but its too late...

i'm turned off, the battery is dead. i sit quietly, not moving, head in hands as you do everything just to see me smile. there is no hope in these eyes, these lips, these empty hands. Tears only fall rapidly as my heart goes up in flames.

Are we lost? Am I for you? Are we one?
Unanswered questions. Unsatisfied lips search mine for answers. Arms hold me attempting to squeeze the life, love back into my body.

Though only my tears fall.

Alone, scared eyes read forbidden words. My eyes are weak but still the tears cleanse my cheeks.

Tired mind. I'm tired of thinking of you...of these ridiculous tiffs of unthoughtful words in my silly mind. I stab you in the back and for some reason wonder why i get stabbed back.

Stupid me.

B.Boo

its amazing the control and power i can have sometimes. i usually don't like it. too much of it can make me feel cocky and i'll do things without thinking.

but this kind of power he gives me. he looses all sense of his control and hands it to me. its during this time the look on his face, the way his eyes burn for me and the way he kisses me...makes me feel so good. he knows hes weak. but he doesn't care. when a man shows and hands me his weakness....thats true love.

and when he looks me in the eyes later and tries to regain himself...

sometimes he does these little things...it could be anything like come up from behind me and holding me...putting his head on my shoulder...these little things give me those butterflies. I thought i would never feel those butterflies again.

i love that smile when he's thinking about baaad, dirty things. then the way he looks over at me...begging me...those eyes....

a mans eyes are my one true weakness. one look and i'm helpless. i'm a sucker for brown eyes.

its great when you hear i love you from a person you know truly means it. those words are coming from the heart...not from somewhere else. they come from deep down in the soul where no one but your significant other can touch. and i love knowing that i touched him enough to make him feel this way.

no matter the fights i post on here, no matter the stress we endure, no matter the pain of previous times...we both know that for the rest of our lives, we are stuck together. and i love that feeling...

The transfer

Thanks for the comments on my last post. Everything is fine now. Stress gets to the best of us and can turn us into ugly creatures.

I'm so incredibly happy right now. One of my co-workers has a wife who works in TJ Maxx ( a sister company to Marshalls). She's more than willing to hire me which is great! I'd be making more money AND its closer to home. Now all I have to do is talk to my managers and start the transfer process. I'm so excited to get away from that hell hole. I know I'm going to miss everyone, they are my family, but I'm not happy anymore. And now I have this opportunity, and i'm sure TJ Maxx will be giving me even more opportunities, and that is why I want to take this job.

Lol, and i'm right next door to Mike ;-)

Night all.